Stories by anorc

Harry Potter's the hard-bitten head of the DMLE. Only, someone wrote The Cursed Child, and I can't stop making fun of it. Harry's committed adultery with Hermione, is getting divorced and... that's the tip of the iceberg. And he might accidentally on purpose assault Draco Malfoy. Full of bad language. Warning: contains parts of Cursed child and Lawyer!Daphne. Not Novocaine.

Post-war Harry gets torn from his home and family to defeat Voldemort again. He is not happy about any of this, and badly injured as well. Based on a prompt specifically calling out Harry from 'Not With a Half-Blood', in an '0-800-Rent-a-hero' like story. As in "What would happen if 0800-rent-a-hero happened to the Harry Potter from Anorc's NAWHB." This is going to be a short.

An extra content short in the "Not With a Half-blood universe". Takes place after Chapter 9 and contains mild spoilers for "Not with a half-blood" and "A witch with a certain point of view" Just an ordinary copper doing filing after a search. No canon characters.

This is Not With A Half-blood! (redux). I've added in Harry's inner thoughts, such as there are. This version is therefore recommended if you don't like subtext, or have trouble reading between the lines. Harry Potter would not like it if you read this version, as it makes him look like a bit of a prat. He's not a prat. Does not include "Getting to know you."

A Deathly Hallows goes different with genuine fanon 'Helpful Goblins' Starring some goblin bankers, Mad-eye Moody and Severus Snape. The hero that saves the day is... not the one anyone expected.

Harry Potter, underage Tri-wizard contestant. What if he didn't have nerves of steel?

Regrets' meets 'Not With a Half-blood' There will be… well, self harm, torture, murder, and snogging. And library loans, and Usbourne books. Theo Nott wakes up one morning, with a lot to regret, and lot therefore to not do. And do. A Sequel to regrets, Part of the Not with a halfblood series. Well, if Michael Corner gets his own book, why not Theo?

A Sequel to Learning to Swim. Harry and family have got rid of the curse that was making Harry and Daphne have awkward feelings about each other. By sending it to a different universe. This is the story of those poor saps. (Though they did use divination to find the ideal target universe, where the targets were already so inclined.) Hardly anything goes wrong.

The Horcrux in his forehead gave Harry an opportunity that the darkest wizards only dream of. Without any harm to himself, he can sacrifice part of a soul in a deal with a Demon, who gets tetchy about brokerage trades, and in return he gets Sirius. Oh, and coincidentally had outsourced destroying all the Horcruxes. Harry felt that getting TWO good outcomes was really clever of him

Set in the fanfiction universe of 'Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.' Harry Potter and Ginny have children, the children are at Hogwarts. Some tropes from Cursed Child and Fanon, just want to live. Alas, I cannot let them survive un-satirised. Crack. Also, Daphne/Ginny. Some not-very-explicit sex scenes. One-shot

How many thirsty Harry/ Daphne Greengrass memes can one story hold? Let's see what we can stuff in there.' Be warned, quite adult themes. Sex work, bodily injury, body dysmorphia, drug use. PTSD, nightmares, the usual. Oh, and Poi with squid luau, which is a bit of an acquired taste. Did we mention drug use? Canon-compliant drug use.

A parody of a Harry Potter themed Hallmark Christmas romance. Content warning: Alcohol abuse. Content warning: Divorce. Content warning: Mental illness. Content warning: Past suicidal ideation. Content warning: Hallmark Christmas film tropes! And some references to the play that shall not be named. If you were expecting a romance, Sir, this is a Wendys.

The war is over and Harry meets a mysterious stranger, dropping by the Gryffindor common room. Mysterious hijinks ensue.

Harry Potter, while on the run from the Ministry, convinces all his friends to become Animagi, for sensible reasons. Harry unfortunately does not get a cool or seemingly useful animal. Crack warning.

Here's a little short, From Albus's side of the story. Everyone's the protagonist of their own story. (One-shot, as far as anyone knows.)

Harry Potter, young Auror on the graveyard shift in the "Breaking up is surprisingly easy to do." multiverse. A mystery, a pretty emergency caller, tea, jammy dodgers and eventually, salad. Based wholly off the "Why don't we use ABBA song lyrics as story prompts discussion" over on Discord. This way to the Haphne server on Discord: discord dot gg/pKSdvJQvhU Just delete the spaces

Harry gets up and goes to make tea. Things go downhill fast. Takes place after my other story 'Breaking up is surprisingly easy to do' Warning: multiple deaths, very dark humour.

The protagonist of 'How badly could this go' is ... back-ish, not wearing a Harry Potter suit. Harry Potter is quite fine and engaged. All he has to do is... survive. There are a couple of problems with that, and who's his next of kin, anyway?

Gilderoy Lockheart leaves a deep, damaging impression on Harry Potter. CRACK. (hehehehe)

Yes it's Not-With-a-Half-Blood-verse bonus content! (And obviously both Daphne and Harry are keeping score.) Temporally (date-wise) these shorts mostly occur before the end of Not With a Half-Blood. So, spoilers. Read at least 'Not with a Half-blood' or 'A Witch with a certain point of view first.'

A sequel to Life Assurance. Contains HAPHNE, and that should NOT be a surprise. Harry's survived the death of Tom Riddle, left Hogwarts, got out from under Albus Dumbledore's thumb and completed his final year at Beauxbatons. And the latest French girlfriend is very nice. (Shame about the one Greengrass scared off.) Time to be an adult.

The very end of the Deathly Hallows, only it's different. Content warning: Major character death. It all ends in tears.

[HP/DG] Post Hogwarts Sequel to Fireworks. Harry Potter's going to be a father. He has a loving wife, sorted the recent problems with being somewhat broke, and nobody's tried to kill him in ages. Hogwarts has had to start teaching some ahem. darker courses because Great-to-the something grandfather Salazar was too clever by half. Harry Potter, family man, nice things happen. Mostly

Wedding contracts are a mainstay of Harry Potter fan-fiction. Poor innocent Daphne Greengrass has been in so many with Harry it practically writes itself. This one-shot rendition verges on crack.

The sequel to The Curious incident of the trip to the seaside. Part 3(-ish) of the Not with a Half-blood series. Harry and Daphne are out of prison, Teddy's on holidays, and everything's pretty good. There are a few ... loose ends to chase up. And then a few surprises. Harry and Daphne, married with children, happy, safe, slices of life. Apart from the odd bit of bad luck.

A side character in the Not With a Half-blood series. Starring Michael Corner. As Hermione Granger said "...the dark one..." of Ravenclaw. He went to Hogwarts, dated Ginny and Cho, and well... Harry sent him on a dangerous mission. Oh - and to find his lost Hallows. Snippets from his life.

Harry has to go to Slug club meetings, and meets someone profoundly ordinary.

Casino Royale in the Harry-being-James-Bond crack universe. Follows on from "The Spy who was conflicted about me." Not quite your regularly scheduled Casino Royale: Vesper Lind. Harry Potter as James Bond. Le Chiffre.His friend Mathis.

The main part of the next Harry Potter as James Bond story. The sequel to The Alpine Caper. Harry Potter is working for MI6 as James Bond. There's often drinking, cars, travel and girls. He's just got back from Austria, where he met a very nice girl, and a Spetsnaz hit squad. May faintly resemble The Spy Who Loved Me.

Daphne's point of view chapters for Not With a Half-Blood. Daphne's parents had 'A Plan', and it made her little sister happy, so it was worth it, she supposed. But allying with the Malfoys to take the Black fortune meant... having to have a child with Draco one day. Ugh. Then Harry Potter won?, but the Malfoys had somehow changed sides. And then, she met Harry Potter at a party.

A prequel to A Small Sacrifice. James Potter, Lily Evans. Seemed unlikely at first, but... The Marauders working together can work miracles, well small miracles.

Sequel to Not with a Half-blood. Start at Chapter Three for returning readers who already have heard of the The Curious incident of the Trip to the seaside. Harry Potter-Black, family man, reclusive hero and father of seven has an accident with his wife, Daphne Black. Who is quite definitely not Daphne Potter, thank you very much. Everyone is going to try to help.

Harry Potter went to a comprehensive school in Little Whinging, Surrey. Everyone gets swimming lessons. Not everyone ends up knowing how to swim. Harry's quest to not die during the tri-wizard tournament goes off on a strange tangent. Contains Ron-bashing, and Harry taking a lot of stupid risks. No Daphne Greengrasses were harmed in the making of this story. Well, a bit.

Just after the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry goes off to the apple orchard to reconnect with Ginny. Unfortunately, Harry says the wrong thing, and Ginny's quite justifiable paranoia about Tom Riddle ruins everything.

The opening part of the next Harry Potter as James Bond story. The sequel to Harry Potter as James Bond in something like Goldeneye. Harry Potter is working for MI6 as James Bond. There's often drinking, cars, travel and girls. He's just got back from Cuba, where a very nice Russian computer programmer... died.

In his third year at school, Harry sees a mysterious witch flying around the towers at night. And again... and again. Over time this affects his life subtly. The tale slightly diverges from Canon, but it's just Harry's life, as Harry might say, nothing important. One-shot, doesn't cover Harry's life in detail, see the books by JK Rowling for more information.

Congratulations! You've just woken up as Harry Potter the day you go to Hogwarts for the first time! How do you use your knowledge to inadvertently make things much worse than they ended in canon The /r/UlsterSaysRugby Challenge from /r/HPFanfiction. Warning: it goes poorly.

Harry and Sirius have to cope with Harry getting entangled in another unexpected Marriage contract. Maybe they can save Harry, from a fate worse than death. Short, oneshot, not angsty. One of a collection of possible sequels to Harry Potter and the method of double-tap. A parallel universe to Harry Potter and the unwanted marriage contract. HAPHNE is that you?

Harry Potter survived the battle of Hogwarts and was a temporary Auror. But he was also bored. And one trip to the cinema with Hermione and Ron, to see a James Bond Film, gave him the idea to join the SAS. Only it turned out there sort-of was a Double-O program. And Harry finds some excitement, adventure and... well drinking ,cars and girls. Rather cracky, so don't take seriously.

Harry Potter, boy hero, walks to his death in the forbidden forest and lets Lord Voldemort kill him with the killing curse. Then something strange happens.

People have theorized that with his upbringing Harry should have turned out a lot less nice and forgiving. If Harry was ignored instead of bullied, he might have even been rather more like Tom Riddle than anyone might like. This story is a bit like that, but played mostly for laughs. Character deaths and an unsympathetic Harry. Who may well be a functional sociopath.

Comedy. What if Harry Potter really was as bad as Cursed child makes him out to be? And got married to a Pure-bred by signing paperwork as in "Harry Potter and the meed for magical law reforms" by crowlzor. And... off we go. Don't take it too seriously. It's just Harry's life. Lots of bad language. Largely a comical rehash of cursed child. Because I definitely needed to.

Why didn't Remus Lupin come save Harry from the Dursleys, or at least come to visit? It's been mentioned in passing that he went 'to the continent' for work after 1981. He arrives at Hogwarts in 1993, and teaches Defence Against the Dark Arts. With a battered suitcase. Warnings: Police brutality, scritches and a confused Englishman. Oh, and lycanthropy, but that's a given.

In Prisoner of Azkaban Severus Snape substituted for Remus Lupin, and promptly taught them how to detect and kill werewolves. Remus has to teach the next class with 4th year Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. He decides not to cover Hinkeypunks - again!

This is Harry Potter, with some modest inheritance, a job as an Auror and some issues to work through. Including goblins who hate hate him, back taxes, unpaid bills and the love of a good woman. Once he smooths over those problems with Ginny. (Spoilers: Harry has annoyed the goblins of Gringotts, has PTSD, but he's not alone. In having PTSD, anyway) Epilogue, what epilogue? HAPHNE

Canonically in third year Harry is some dumb little kid. Who seems to have forgotten what he did last year.

What it say on the tin. The one where Harry and Draco have a nice, friendly chat. Canonically Harry does really dumb things to Draco in a bathroom. What if he just was caustic. And a Lyer. (sic)

An alternate second chapter for Harry Potter and the method of Double-Tap, where Harry attempts to 'solve his problems' and falls in unrequited love with a witch instead. Features Harry, his trusty gun, an invisibility cloak and a cursed marriage contract. WARNING: ADULT BAD BEHAVIOUR BY HARRY Also Warning:HAPHNE

Post Deathly Hallows. EWE [HP/DG] HAPHNE. "Just for once, can something nice happen in Harry Potters life" Also contains depictions of PTSD, alcoholism, lemony scenes, humor. Harry Potter tries to survive the peace after the war. Starts just after the end of the war. Hermione won't stop crying, Harry has nightmares, George won't get out of bed. And Harry needs to talk to Ginny.

EWE Harry Potter gets framed for the murder of Daphne Greengrass, staged to be his 'secret lover'. Ginny doesn't like that. Harry resorts to the resurrection stone to get a 'witness' to the murder. Who certainly isn't Harry's secret lover. Who did kill her and why? Harry falls into a job with Kingsley, working to save those imprisoned by the death-eaters. [HP/DG] Character deaths.

A series of short vignettes over the life of Daphne Greengrass, Senior file clerk in archives of the ministry of magic. (Or Director of the Department of Mysteries, take your pick) Set in the Method of Double-tap universe after chapter one of Harry Potter and the Unwanted marriage contract. Contains only small snippets so the reader will need to join the dots in their own head.

Cornelius Fudge was minister for magic by Harry's third year. But he came up through Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. That's tempered his outlook on life a bit. "The greatest gift the giftie gie us, is to see ourselves as other see us" with apologies to Robbie Burns.

A b-side story of one of the non-heroes of Hogwarts. Meet Barry Walters. He's not very good. At magic or much really. But he went to Hogwarts in 1991... just he mostly gets ignored. Largely Canon compliant. Just a quick one-shot.

A post-war Harry and Daphne betrothal, but without magical contracts, ancient betrothal contracts or... Harry being unable to get out of it. Daphne Greengrass at a ministry party tells that famous half-blood about her imminent engagement and marriage to the new head of the house of Black, Draco Malfoy. Harry is confused. [HP/DG] See Also A Witch with a certain point of view.

Harry Potters' having a party at Hogwarts, it's the anniversary of his victory over Voldemort. Everyone is invited and it's going to be the best anniversary party ever. Nobody dies. Harry goes home to Ginny after the party's over.

Harry Potter interstitial stories. All the way from Book1 to Book 8, but only a few minutes a year, where Harry can relax, unwind, have a cigarette and be Just Harry. Harry's a bad boy and a worse adult, who (spoilers) ends up breaking up with his wife and 'dating' his best Hermione who's married to Ron. Ever wonder just how unreliable a narrator he was? Substance abuse. Swearing.

It all begins when Harry Potter, trainee Auror does an evening ride-along with the Hit-Wizards who do the day to day policing of Wizarding Britain. He's expecting a boring night with people who aren't good enough to be Aurors. And he learns some home truths that are more uncomfortable than he was expecting. And an enemy he never knew strikes when he's at his weakest. Ginny bashing.

Very short one-shot about Harry versus Voldemort at the final battle. Answering the question you never asked which is: How do you kill someone with a disarming charm anyway? It helps to imagine Daniel Radcliffe's comic depiction of Aragog's mandibles to get in the right frame of mind for this.

Harry Potter entrusts Hedwig with delivering a Valentines day card in sixth year. 'The prettiest girl in Hogwarts' He says. If you're a snotty snowy owl, who is the prettiest girl in Hogwarts? [HP/DG] Slightly AU 6th year, diverging.

A one shot about the incarceration of Theodore Nott, inventor, Slytherin and a man with a lot of time on his hands. And so many regrets. Trigger warning :self harm.

Shorts depicting Minerva McGonagall and various students having career discussions.

HP A marriage contract story with a difference. The sequel to my crackfic Harry Potter and the Method of Double-tap. Go read that first. This story takes place after Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire; and if you don't read the prequel, nothing will make less sense… Or more sense. Or something. This is fanfic. Trigger warnings apparently: bits are grim. HAPHNE

Just after the battle of Hogwarts, a series of negotiations take place. Harry Potter's money and fame is the prize. Features a Harry, who, like canon Harry when it suits the plot, is a pushover. Ginny Weasley bashing. Just because. Smut, but less than you might expect. Weak chapter to chapter consistency chapters 2,3.4 form a sort-of story. COMPLETE.

Takes place after a slightly less awful end of fourth year. Reworked Harry Potter and the method of double tap. Harry and Sirius are confronted by a marriage contract for Harry. What will they do. How will Harry cope. Will Harry ever understand love. My attempt at making the sequel more fun.HAPHE Now with Draco gets double-tapped and Astoria is very creative. Harry is less good.

A one shot, where Remus Lupin, the last free Marauder explains in his own words why he didn't adopt Harry or even write him letters.

The story behind Harry's incredible protection, made from a mothers love, and a bit of illegal sacrificial magic. And James Potter's love, and the true reason Harry sucks at Flooing and Portkeys, but is awesome on a broom, on his first flight at Hogwarts.

HP AU Crack History Diverges after Prisoner of Azkaban What if Harry and Cedric did just a little better at the graveyard scene. Not a zombieland crossover. Trigger warning gun violence, students with guns. Not advocating that at all. Just Crack Crack.