A deranged man gets a deranged system where he gains a new power every time he wanks. It couldn't have happened at a more opportune time since Voldemort is back and fucking everything up. Maybe Alaric Greengrass can save the world by wanking? Just... maybe. (Crack-ish. Very AU. Hogwarts starts at 14 so everyone is an adult by the time the plot begins.)