A full canon rewrite with 50% less angst and at least 200% more chaos. Highlights include accidental kidnappings, intentional kidnappings, glitterpigs, eldritch horrors, tooth-rotting fluff, (mostly) unintended betrothals, bad-ass children, a handful of competent adults, unexpected medieval weaponry, misuse of household cleaning charms & equipment, and unsupervised Lovegoods.