Stories by Qoheleth

A series of unrelated one-shots by several authors, each centering around one of the words in Douglas Adams's "dictionary of things there aren't words for yet - but there ought to be". Chapter 8: Gilderoy Lockhart goes to Pulverbatch.
Drabble. Just a snapshot of Piper living up to her fertility-goddess heritage.
When a space-time disruption flings the TARDIS into Equestria, the Doctor and Romana must figure out the basic principles of Equestrian physics in order to get her running again - but first they need to overcome the well-founded anthropophobia of our favorite ponies.
Because, crazy as it sounds, I really believe that the outcome of "Civil War" would have been both happier and more logical if they'd given Wanda her proper costume. AU.
Crossover, post-7x19. Nobody thinks that humans evolved from arachnids - so why should the devolution disease in "Genesis" have turned Lieutenant Barclay into a spider?

Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

In a world where the breaking of a spell tells you that its caster has died, wouldn't warriors' girlfriends insist on their beaux casting spells on them before going off to war? And wouldn't Ginny Weasley be adorable with a red squirrel's tail? (Candidates need not attempt to answer more than one question at a time.)

Crusts by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

A drabble set in the immediate aftermath of a holocaust of Biblical proportions.

Ghosts and Machines by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Shortly after Lal's death, she returns to Ten-Forward to seek Guinan's help through a thorny dilemma. What is a daughter's duty when she turns out to be more real than her father? (Not to be confused with the other story by this name on my backup account.)

Damfonnix by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

A drabble indicating yet another problem with Voldemort's Taboo.

Personal by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. A dialogue occasioned by an unexpected arrival at the Pearly Gates.
A drabble exploring some hidden quirks of the Universal Translator.

Monkey! More Muggle Music! by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

A conversation about pets takes a turn for the surreal when Luna gets involved. ("There are bumblebee-sized, opera-whistling monkeys in Switzerland?" "If you know where to look.")

Sally-Anne Perks and the Siege of Troy by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Or, "Reading the (Great) Books, Part I". Another story in which an assortment of Hogwarts students and faculty are mysteriously summoned to the Room of Requirement to read seven books aloud - but the summoner, in this case, has larger goals than just changing the HP world's history.
In which Susan Ivanova is a fabulous monster from Russian folklore, and that's fine with her. My contribution to the Fatima Challenge.
Hazel wants to have a Christmas party in the Underworld, but Pluto and Proserpine won't permit anything so monotheistic. Can Charon and the late Geoffrey Chaucer make her Christmas wish come true?
The interactions of the Olympians with later Western civilization have, over the centuries, brought about countless minor dramas not recorded in any epic saga. This is the story of how, in 1993, the life of a random son of Melpomene became inextricably bound up with one of them. (Or it's an excuse to play games with movie titles. You be the judge.)

Pinecones by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Just another drabble to add to my list of "replies to ff clichés I've seen once too often".

Deru Kui by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Sometime between Dumbledore's departure from Hogwarts and the Weasley twins', Hannah Abbott's D.A. loyalty earns her the spiteful denigration of one of her Housemates, and it's up to Anthony Goldstein to console her. Soppiness, social commentary, and Ogden Nash references abound.

Six Ways from Sunday by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Because Rowling isn't the only famous writer who has trouble with the days of the week…

Reciprocal by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. Same chapter and everything…

Cuculus by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

A two-drabble glimpse into the true backstory of the Grey Lady. Requested by FPB (in 2004, admittedly, and not from me specifically, but what the hey).

Sweetened by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. The way to a Dursley's heart…
Recalling a certain exploit of James T. Kirk's, Dr. Noonian Soong decides to put the new-made Data through a rather peculiar test.

The Eurasian Gentleman by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

In which an unidentified alien dares to question the great Thanos's long-term strategy.

A Dark Kiss by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

"Many find it the most satisfying kind…"
Drabble. Scholarly detachment can have unpleasant consequences…

Blackbird Visions by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Or, 13 things you didn't know about Luna Lovegood.

Ghosts and Machines by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

In which a glimpse by Counselor Troi of a junior science officer's mind sets in motion a startling series of events, forcing the crew of the Enterprise to reassess their ideas about the mind, the heart, and Lieutenant Commander Data. [Up for adoption]

Denominate by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. The real reason why Mary Sues are always setting their caps at Harry.

Cousins by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. What a powerful and somewhat unscrupulous wizard, determined to keep Harry from being raised by the Dursleys, would quite certainly do, though the ones you read about always seem to overlook it.
The great Jedi creation myth that Qui-Gon Jinn made a lot of people very unhappy by not knowing.
Drabble. Nothing about the Avengers is black and white - not even, it turns out, the Avengers themselves.
Drabble. In the spirit of the March for Life, another look at the whole Quagmire birth-identity trope.

Lies Bathilda Bagshot Told Me by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Or, why Hufflepuffs understand History of Magic better than Ravenclaws do.
In which the Vision has a Christmas wish granted, and makes some old friends. A little holiday fantasy for all those who, when Tony saw the Avengers destroyed, were most moved by the broken shield.

Rescrambled by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble, more than slight crack. Dedicated to everyone who misspells Voldemort's name this way, without reflecting on the consequences.

Qalb al-Assad by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Sonnet. Teddy Lupin does some stargazing in Gryffindor Tower, and reflects upon a bygone kinsman.

Blanc by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Close your eyes. Open your mind. Forget everything you think you know about a certain alien race. And meet Gabriela of Vuunyar.

Imported by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. What happens when you come to "The Ugly Duckling" right after watching the brood-parasitism scenes in "The Life of Birds".

Origin Story by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Describing the formation and first adventure of the Justice League of Hogwarts. (Hey, if you're going to do a Super!Harry story, do it right, that's what I say.)

Ophiophage by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble, technically AU. Even small plot holes look big when you poke them with chopsticks.
A challenge to Trekkies everywhere: Can you recognize a "Next Generation" episode when it's told entirely in historical and literary allusions?

House Guests: The Magic School Bus by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

A companion piece to my HP/Star Trek: The Next Generation crossover. Ever wonder which of the Friz's students would end up in which House? Well, wonder no more.

The Rest of the Fanfic by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

The untold stories of various HP characters, as they might have sounded on Paul Harvey's "The Rest of the Story".

Knockoffs by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. Accept no substitutes... especially not this one.
Dedicated to anyone else who has had the misfortune to require a new computer during the past year. And they though the Iconian probe was bad...
Ever wonder which member of the Enterprise crew would end up in which house? Well, wonder no more.

MNC by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Crossover. What does it take to prevent the Death-Eater movement from ever existing? Less than you might think.

The Horcrux Song by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

The classic rock-'n'-roll tune about Lord Voldemort, and his little bits of soul.

Defections by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. How the much-vaunted Marriage Law would work in actual practice.
Drabble. Geordi LaForge gets a little astronomy lesson.

Easements by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. Takes place at the end of the beginning-of-term banquet in OotP.
The story that answers the question: Why did Japan get involved in the Second World War, if it was really a conflict between Greek gods?

First Years by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Shortly before their first banquet as Hogwarts professors, Severus Snape and Charity Burbage have an illuminating conversation.
When Artemis visits a hospital in her capacity as goddess of childbirth, Thalia develops a fondness for a young coma victim. Upon learning that she is about to be euthanized, she petitions Artemis to intervene - but that may not be as easy as it sounds.

Violet's Trylet by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Why Violet Baudelaire is an inventor and not a poet.
Feghoot. Demeter's children had no idea that the deck was so stacked against them...

Unaltered by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Drabble. There are, indeed, many disadvantages to serving evil...
The most unfairly stereotyped cabin at Camp Half-Blood speaks up for itself, sort of.

Aquila Rapax by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

In which a regrettably vague prophecy, a paranoid Potions master, and a platter of Mexican empanadas conspire to show yet another Defence against the Dark Arts teacher the door.

Metastasis by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

It just keeps growing... and growing... and growing...

Miscues by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

In which a misunderstanding arises about the meaning of the word "billiard", 4,000,000,000,000,000 Bludgers attack Hogwarts, the Room of Requirement eats a Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, and Argus Filch saves the day, not necessarily in that order.

The Defenestration of Cornelius Fudge by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

Being a scrupulously researched account of the first meeting of Cornelius Fudge and Margaret Thatcher. Well, scrupulously researched in the sense that I looked up which way Downing Street runs.
Although this story is only 322 words long, it manages to contain a sneaky trap, mah-jongg, bugging, and an elaborate pun. Under these circumstances, my readers will doubtless wish to avoid it.

A Sorting Song by Dumbledore by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

A companion to Textualsphinx's "A Sorting Song by Severus". Nobody outdoes Albus when it comes to patter songs.
A clone's-eye view of Order 66.

Delivery by Qoheleth Stale Result (Last seen: )

A 100-word drabble involving Vernon Dursley and an owl.